Trip Report - Scapa/Shetlands 2007

Friday June 22

Paul and I decided that at our great age we couldn't face starting a journey at 1am so we loaded the van on Thursday evening and set off for Scrabster at 8am on Friday. As always it was a long journey and the majority of it was spent on the A9 following an Eddie Stobart lorry doing 50mph for about 300 miles.

Several espressos later we reached our hotel and checked in to find that almost all the other guests were elderly Germans and that this was also the native language of most of the staff. Not exactly what I expected in the far north of Scotland.

We slept well most of the night except when the local night club kicked out and all of the patrons headed past our hotel to the bakery for snacks!

Saturday June 23

We had a leisurely breakfast and drove to the ferry port. At around 11:30 the minibus from hell rolled up. Nick and Dave had greatly enjoyed the drive up especially as the minibus had been limited to 60mph. Some people had been lucky enough to sleep during the journey, but Dan managed to drink (and talk) for the entire journey. Ed showed that he's not quite as young as he used to be by having to take the occasional nap, but he too drank straight through to arrival. However while everyone else sustained themselves with a hearty fry up Ed remained in the pit for a bit more sleep.

The ferry journey was relatively uneventful, marked only by Dan's request for a "cappucino without milk". Once the barman had scraped himself from the floor after at least 10 minutes of sustained and uncontrolled laugher he politely declined. Dan then asked if it was OK to carry on drinking the crate of Bow that was surgically attached under his arm!

So finally we arrived at Jean Elaine, our home for the week and commenced the mammoth task of unloading everything that 12 people feel is essential for a weeks diving and loading it on to the boat.

The day concluded with fish and chips in the rain and a small sample in some of the local hostelries. (It might be worth mentioning that as I couldn't persuade my torch to work when we arrived in Orkney I got a little bit cross and bought a very cheap one from the local dive shop.)

PB - I got a free T-Shirt too!!

Sunday June 24

A perfect dive trip start. Out of bed at 9am for some tea and toast and then falling in the water. First dive was the Brummer and a very nice one it was. I shall say now that I am very happy to leave it to others to add technical details about the dives. I enjoyed them all, I saw nice wrasse, splendid squidgies and annoyed a few crabs. However I very rarely had any idea whether I was at the bow or the stern or on the bridge. I am not a natural navigator.

In the afternoon we did the Karlsruhe which was another top wreck. James lost his DSMB and located it 24 hours later hoisted on the halyards. Throughout the week it became a sensible precaution to look for any lost property here.

Dinner was chilli. We made the mistake of forgetting that it was Sunday. Although the co-op stays open until 10pm, by 6pm they have very little food. I collected any vegetables they still had on the shelves and decided they could be easily utilised in chilli. Dan developed his real world skills and learnt to chop garlic - so look out for that on his CV. He began the week with the concept of manual labour being decidedly alien, but things soon changed. The lentils used in the vegetarian version were very handy in padding out the limited mince supplies (not sure if the omnivores were aware of that or not.)

An efficent canteen queuing system was introduced, much to the disgust of some people, but by the end of the week Ed had cunningly worked out how to by-pass that.

We may have popped into the Ferry Inn to make use of the comfy seats at some point.

Monday June 25

Today was the Dresden as a first dive. I planned the dive with Paul and we dropped in first. However we got to 6m and Paul signalled up as his drysuit was letting in water. We reached the surface and as Paul headed out I found Steve bobbing around on the surface in need of a buddy as Ed had found that his suit was in dire need of new boots. Steve and I combined our plans and headed down to the wreck for a look around.

The second dive was the F2. This wreck is linked to the salvage barge that was sunk in high winds while working over the wreck several years later. Whenever I've done it before there has been a rope between the two. I expected the same this time round. I bumped into Nick who couldn't find the rope he was getting tangled in and assumed this was the route to the barge. Unfortunately it led to a big lump of metal and then zig zagged around the sea bed. No barge. In fact only two people found the barge and since they were then claiming to have seem all sorts of marvels I am a little dubious.

On the way in we learned one very important fact:

• Buoys are more interesting than the labels on pylons (to everyone except Mr Tuplin.)

The evening meal consisted of sausage casserole. I managed to resist the temptation to make use of the hideous tub of knorr flavouring and radically made use of vegetables and red wine instead.

Luckliy the dive shop in Stromess does overnight suit repairs, so having parted with lots of cash Paul and Ed were ready to dive again the next day.

,p>PB - The dive shop owner will quite literally be dining out courtesy of us for the next month. Over £250 in one go. That's the benefit of a cornered market!

Tuesday June 26

Today I had another attempt at diving with Paul so that I could make him envious over the quality of my very cheap torch. The first dive was the Kronprinz Willheim which is one of the battle ships. The battle ships are enormous to the point that sitting midwater on the side of one feels just like it does when you drop over the edge of the pinnacles at Wast to see an enormous drop below you. It is a great dive but I always feel a bit overwhelmed by the scale, I'm much more at home peering in the holes of the smaller ships.

The second dive was a gentle drift over the bottle run with the aim of finding a few scallops for dinner. We found no bottles, but did get some scallops. Nicola emerged with masses of both and Jo and Kirsty managed to over run their dive time by getting into deco on a 15 metre dive on nitrox! Their attempts to apease me with scallops failed and they were put on washing up duty. Scallops were followed by fajitas and a brief visit to the local social evening spots.

As we weren't diving the next afternoon people took advantage and imbibed a little more than is generally recommended on dive trips.

ST - At this point "food challenges" came into their own. Firstly Ed laid down the gauntlet to Dan, offering 2 pints per whole clove of raw garlic. After Dan whimped out, Ed took this challenge up himself, much to the amusement of the table. Dan, not wanting to fork out the two pints, decided to counter-balance the garlic challenge by drinking the chicken fajita juice/fat ... nice. And so began the nightly "for a pint will you eat ...."

Dan's alice band was tried on by all and sundry (pictures to follow) and was found the next morning hoisted on the halyards.

I think it was this evening that further evidence of Ed and Dan's special friendship was observed. They moved on from brushing their teeth together, to synchronised gargling, topping the evening with a mouth wash frolic in the shower.

Wednesday June 27

Wednesday was to be a day of gentle defizzing so only one shallow dive was planned to give us 24 hours out of the water.

If you're only going to do one dive then the Tabarka is a brilliant one. Dave and I spent over an hour inside the wreck peering in every nook and cranny. As the drift outside began to increase we dragged ourselves past a few gaping holes in order not to have to leave too soon. Finally time drew to an end and we had to leave. Clinging to the wreck we deployed a DSMB and launched ourselves into the flow. Luckily we managed to avoid the washing machine that caught quite a few other buddy pairs and after a brief drift headed to the surface.

Tonight's extravaganza was a barbecue of mackerel (as caught by Paul and Ed during their non-diving day) and some other delicious meat products from the local butcher (mushrooms were provided as an alternative.) Ed mounted guard over the barbecue to ensure that no usurping females attempted to illegally cook on the barbecue and Dan and he put their engineering prowess to good use and built some seats for people to sit on. Following Dan finishing up all the remaining food (the fish was scrummy) in the belief that this would negate his failure in garlic eating challenge we heading out for a while.

In the pub people began to realise that there weren't many days diving left and my buddy pair bookings lists started to span the rest of the week. The scrap of paper I'd been making notes on for the whole week (usually when Nick came up with good ideas in the pub) began to look some what worse for wear.

Dan left his scarf in the pub. Being kind people we didn't want him to lose it so we put it somewhere he'd be bound to find it...

... up the halyards.

Thursday June 28

Today I dived with Kirsty who seemed to have overdosed on vitamins and E-numbers at some point and was in a frighteningly bouncy mood. I tried to trade her in for a slightly saner model but there were no takers.

In an attempt to exact revenge for the long deco stops of the previous year Kirsty waited until we were at 4 metres before realising that both her computers were set to 21% instead of 32%. A quick trip to the surface managed to sort one of them out and we headed down again to the Koln. The Koln has always been one of my favourite dives, it's a really pretty wreck with loads of life and always makes for a lovely dive. Kirsty had written on the dive planning slate that we were planning an 87 minute dive and we decided to make the most of it.

On arrival at 6 metre all computers that were set to nitrox had cleared from stops, so I relaxed and refused to share my 50% loopy juice with my buddy. Her computer that believed she was on air was showing 20 minutes of stops. We waited...

While waiting we completed our full range of song and dance routines including the hokey cokey and heads, shoulders, knees and toes. We also had several fights which I won. After a very long time Kirsty decided that she could do without a back up computer for the rest of the week and we headed up.

The second dive was on a block ship and was a pleasant pootle.

For the final boat cooked meal we had beef casserole followed by a couple of Scapa Specials.

Friday June 29

For the final day of diving we decided to revisit the Koln so I headed down there with Nick who had promised to show me some big guns.

He did. There were guns and they were big. Sadly there were no congers living in them but I suppose you can't have everything.

Nick did participate in a round of heads, shoulders, knees and toes, despite insisting that he would never dance on a deco stop.

The second dive was on the Doyle which is a block ship that was new to all of us. Really nice dive with some lovely swim throughs. The pair of inflatable breasts attached to Ed's twinset added something to the experience although I'm not sure what.

Nick and I demonstrated the importance of redundancy when it comes to DSMBs and reels by letting go of two before finally deploying one fully. That then caused some concern by running out of line due to the pull of the drift. The safety stop was enlivened by us being bounced to 2 metres by the swell, frantically dumping air and dropping straight back to 9. My ears were not impressed.

As this was the last day all the kit was dismantled on the way in, washed, hauled up the harbour wall and loaded into the van. Although to be fair some of us hauled kit and loaded the van, whereas other expressed regret when they realised they missed all the hard work!

After a couple of beers on deck we headed to the Ferry Inn for one last visit. After a large meal in the pub we all sat around and had a few farewell beverages. Several important facts were established:

• According to Ronnie the crew, everyone in Orkney thinks that Dan is gay. (To be fair, only everyone in the Ferry Inn and Flatties Bar think Dan is gay, but that is most of Orkney.)
• Ronnie becomes even more incomprehensible after a few whiskies. (I don't think our tip lasted long!)
• We'd all had a great week.

As we were heading off on the 6.30am ferry several of us headed off fairly early, but the party did go on into the early hours. Dan was in danger of being hoisted up the halyards by Paul when the charges up and down the companionway became too annoying especially when taken in conjunction with wolf whistles.

Saturday June 30

Everyone dragged themselves out of bed and soon the 6.30am ferry was full of people sprawled on the sofas trying to get another hour's sleep. We had breakfast and coffee before we docked and then got ready for the long trek home.

I was grateful not to be travelling in the minibus as Nick's pasta and hot chocolate were curdling on the dashboard and the back seats were a site of hideous bow and pot noodle carnage. After a few squabbles over seats all the kids were packed in the back and the trek down south began.

I thought Paul might be landed with driving the van all the way home as an ill advised stretch sent my back into spasm and I was slightly concerned about my ability to get home without pain. Luckily that wore off and we had an uneventful drive although the weather in north Scotland was much better than that in Yorkshire. As we weren't limited to 60mph we had time to pop to Tesco and have a cup of tea with Megan before the party bus arrived! Kit was redistributed and then just to prove that we weren't that tired we stopped off for a quick drink in Chapel A for Chris's birthday.

Then home - all stinky wet stuff was hidden in the spare room and the door shut.

Sunday July 1

All transport was dropped back at Leeds Commercial - Nick managed to get the van stuck on a ramp so we dropped off the keys and ran away. I think we woke up the security guard when we went looking for him to return the keys. He looked highly bemused.

Octopush tournament at 9.30am.

Ok so strictly speaking this had nothing to do with the trip - but I think it shows serious dedication on the part of Paul, Nick and I that we made it and played octopush for 2 hours. Rayner - you're a wuss.

And then we got home and really did have to sort out the mountain of kit we'd ignored the night before.

Thanks

To everyone for making it another great week and especially to Nick and Dave for driving the minibus like heros.

If anyone fancies it we have a booking for August 8th 2009 . If you fancy coming let me know and if you want to pay in easy to manage instalments £20 a month should cover it easily.